There is nothing wrong with using assertive language. Codependents often struggle with this because they believe anything that is not passive is aggressive, and that aggression is intolerable.
Asserting yourself is not aggressive. If someone else thinks so, they are suffering from an injured ego and would benefit from some internal work of their own.
Assertive language is critical when you are establishing boundaries. When smokers quit smoking, and really quit, they rarely respond compassionately when someone offers them a cigarette. They aren’t rude, but when they say “no” you can tell they mean it.
The ability to assert your boundaries is critical to lasting recovery.
Reduce or Eliminate Softeners
“Maybe,” “sort of,” “kind of,” and “a little” are softeners to make whatever you are saying sound less certain and less imposing. They communicate a lack of seriousness, a lack of confidence, and insecurity, and are an invitation to be denied or disagreed with. This is the verbal and linguistic equivalent of walking on eggshells.
When you catch yourself saying these words, give some thought to why they are coming out of you.
Why do you do this? Whose boundaries will you cross by expressing confidence in your joy, your ideas, your opinions, or your disagreements?
Reduce or Eliminate the Passive Voice
Try to rid yourself of speaking with the passive voice.
Use “is” instead of “can/might/could be”. Use “want” instead of “would like.” “Am” instead of “could be”.
There is nothing wrong with saying, “I want to see this movie at this time.” Or, “I am in the mood for Chinese tonight.” A codependent will see these words as inconsiderate. That is not so. These are not demands. They are simple expressions of your honest desire—something it is your right to communicate.
Stop Saying “I’m Sorry”
Compulsive thanking and apologizing are other common firefighting tools that codependents often learn from being in relationships with volatile and insecure people. They are the ultimate diffusers.
By sending praise or accepting blame, codependents believe they can exert control over an inconsistent and unhealthy relationship. If this sounds like you, then you already know it doesn’t work, and it’s time to create more internal boundaries. If you have to earn someone’s kindness, then it isn’t worth having.
Approach “I’m sorry” with caution. While it is meant to convey empathy, it also assumes guilt, fault, and subservience. When new cadets say “I’m sorry” in boot camp, the reply from the drill instructor is usually, “Yeah, you are sorry!”
You might make bad mistakes. You might hurt someone’s feelings. You might feel remorseful, but you are not sorry. You are a human being, and you deserve to have boundaries and trust yourself.
I prefer, “Apologies”, or narrating whatever I am screwing up, like, “Well, I really broke your fence, didn’t I? What can I do to make this right?” or “Please accept my apologies, I’m sure you are feeling this way about what I did.”
Reduce or Eliminate Intensifiers
Insecurity comes in many forms. It is easy to see it in timidity and low-self esteem, but far less so in steroid use, aggressive driving, and consistent use of hyperbole.
Attention and connection are inseparable. If you want connection with someone, you first have to get their attention. In today’s world, this is almost impossible without the use of intensifying language. We are pitted against the forces of clickbait, pornography, a 24-hour news cycle, search engine optimization, endless streaming content, and writing aimed at nothing more than keeping your attention.
It can feel invalidating to lose someone’s attention to the hyperstimulated world of intensified messages. It is easy to fall into the trap of using intensifiers like “extremely,” “unbelievable,” “blown away,” “amazing,” “astonishing,” “preposterous,” “incompetent,” “evil,” “worthless.”
Instead of making your language sound powerful, these are more like that awkward moment when someone laughs loudly at their phone and then looks around to see if anyone is interested in the reason why.
It is inauthentic, directed to control the attention of others, and desperate for agreement. Assertive language is not desperate. It is calm, accurate, and unyielding.
If someone isn’t interested in you already, they aren’t worth the energy. Like love and respect, if attention must be earned, it is not worth having.
For a more comprehensive approach to assertiveness, check out The Assertiveness Workbook, by Randy Paterson. It is grounded in CBT and provides an excellent objective approach to using assertive language.
You are about to discover that you live in a world of some pretty forgiving, laid-back people. If you find this not to be the case with someone, then it’s going to have to be their problem.