If you meet someone you cannot say “no” to, and pursue a relationship with them, you fall into something much steamier than love. Everything they say is manifested into action (by you) and there is no use in ever having ideas or plans of your own.

Your life becomes a suggestion, a suggestion which you have thrown away. You have handed your mind and body over to someone else, become their slave, and abandoned yourself.

We have all met someone who captivated us and obliterated our defenses. They were irresistible. An opportunity with them was a fantasy come true, a mystery to spend years unraveling, and there was no chance you could turn them down. You would honor any request to see the fantasy through. You surrendered your mind and hoped that your bodies would follow.

Love is not total transparency, ongoing confessions, or being inseparable. Perhaps your addicted mind, your ego, or your pain will convince you that this person is capable of integrating with all of you and will do you no harm.

But this is the same toxic belief you had about your perfect parent or caretaker. You couldn’t tell them “no,” they were enmeshed into every part of you, no boundaries anywhere, and you trusted them to have total control over your well-being.

Meeting someone and feeling like your problems are solved is exactly this childhood experience coming back to life. You have an all-powerful being in your world again who will protect you from all life’s deepest pain. You will grant their every wish with great relish.

Imagine what love would look like if you shared it with someone you could say “no” to without it provoking your abandonment fears. What would a healthy response to your boundaries look like?