There are three primary perfectionism concerns in codependent relationships: being the perfect partner, being with the perfect partner, and being in the perfect relationship.

These each have an internal and external component based on self-image and public image: being the perfect partner and being seen as the perfect partner, being with the perfect partner and being seen as having a perfect partner, and being in the perfect relationship and being seen as having the perfect relationship. All of these concerns are inherently narcissistic, as all pursuits of perfectionism are.

Perfectionism is the critical ingredient in romance. Romance cannot survive or exist without it. If you ever capture yourself romanticizing a past, current, or future relationship, then you are indulging in mental and emotional gymnastics to support a fantasy of perfectionism.

It is not uncommon for a codependent to meet someone exciting and new and believe that they are perfect. Without this belief, they will not have the sweeping experience of infatuation that they equate with being in love. Once they are locked into the “perfect” romance, they will do anything to defend their perception of their beloved’s perfection.

If the perfect partner’s flaws are exposed, the context will change. Instead of a perfect person, the codependent sees a person who is perfect for them. Or their partner is perfect despite their flaws, which are romanticized as “perfect imperfections.”

For the perfectionist codependent, having a self, partner, or relationship that is less than perfect is unacceptable. It is physically and psychologically unbearable. If the codependent is imperfect, they fail themselves and their partner. If the partner is imperfect, then the codependent fails themselves by not having waited for “the one” who is. An imperfect relationship means flawed, and therefore untrue love.

Even if a codependent found the perfect relationship, they would soon be overwhelmed with insecurity, and promptly make it imperfect again.

There are times when a perfectionist codependent finds themselves in a relationship with a securely attached, well-balanced person. Their partner is not jealous, does not rage, trusts them to be honest, and is comfortable in their own skin.

They have a job, never fight, never accuse, and spend their evenings engaged in a healthy hobby or cuddling on the couch. Because the codependent has no experience with a healthy person, and cannot grasp the nature of their pleasant relationship, their dysfunction will seize them, their partner, and the relationship, and pour hot shit all over it.

Whenever a codependent finds themselves sabotaging a decent relationship with a decent person, perfectionism is often the reason why. Rather than going with the flow and recognizing that a kind partner is interested in their well-being, they sabotage by pursuing perfectionism. This is done by looking for imperfections to purge, which they always find.

It is not conscious. It is a defense against their destruction. Without a perfect relationship, any chance of a perfect life is dead. All the emotional extremes feel justified. In the moments of inevitable failure, when the codependent has a meltdown, you will likely hear the word “perfect” uttered through their tear-covered lips.

A perfect relationship requires perfect moments. A picture-perfect wedding with no family drama or drunken toasts is one example. A kiss under the stars where both partners are equally lost in the moment is another.

Jean-Paul Sartre mentions perfect moments in his book, Nausea, where he describes dismissing perfect moments entirely for the sole reason that one cannot recreate moments from the past.

Is there a lesson about trauma here? You cannot bring past perfection into the present, so you cannot bring present perfection into the past. But this is what codependents try to do when they pursue a perfect relationship in an attempt to heal their old wounds.

One of the most insidious ideas about perfectionism is the idea that perfection is possible. We see perfection in the night sky, in the shells on the beach, and in ancient architecture. It’s all over the walls of the Louvre, and in every baby’s face. It is not so far removed from reality, therefore, that being a perfect partner, or with a perfect partner, is well within the realm of possibility.

Perfectionist codependents spend a lot of time single. They believe that love comes naturally. When it does, it will be the perfect relationship with the perfect person. They will not consider a serious relationship with someone who isn’t extraordinarily good-looking, competent, and with whom they have amazing chemistry. When they finally do find themselves “in love,” their easy-going nature collapses as they are confronted with the unhealed wound that they structured their lives to avoid.

Although codependency can involve family, friends, and coworkers, codependent perfectionism always revolves around a love-object. For perfectionist codependents, a perfect love-object creates a sense of mania that is difficult to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It is euphoric, wildly obsessive, and breaks down a person’s ability to function in any way not related to the effort of securing closeness with their love-object, or proving perfection in themselves, their partner, or their relationship.

It is the kind of attraction that will have you missing work, time with friends, and total neglect of yourself and your hobbies. For a good read on this particular phenomenon, Love and Limerence by Dorothy Tennov is exceptional. For a real-life example, google John Hinckley Jr.

Perfectionist codependents especially believe that happiness is being in love. A love-object represents the perfect, pain-free life experience. The elation of believing that a perfect person has entered their life is coupled with terror over what life was like without them, and the clinginess and showmanship begin. A codependent wouldn’t dare let their partner see them as anything but their perfect selves, so they hide their flaws behind an “always or never” extremism about their partner and their relationship. When the illusion of perfectionism is ruined by human flaws, the pain of reality takes over, and the subsequent psychic undoing often leads to the end of the relationship.

If you are dating a perfectionist codependent, you might feel acknowledged in a way that seems supernatural. It can be too much, especially when they want the same treatment in return. Perfectionists are threatened by anything that doesn’t keep your focus on them. Any sign of independence, or any interest that does not immediately include them, will be interpreted as the first sign of a permanent separation. Independence is not part of the perfect relationship, because the perfect relationship is where two become one. You are always together in ecstasy forever.

————Reality Check————

Perfectionism is not possible. It isn’t real. Perfectionism is fantasy, and all fantasy takes place inside the vacuum of your mind. It is your imagination, and not more. If something is actually happening, then it isn’t a fantasy, and it isn’t perfect.

The good news is that the opposite of perfection is a mistake. So if there is no perfection, there are no mistakes. There is no perfect existence, no paradise of being in love for all eternity, all troubles over, all wounds healed, all pain gone. There is no paradise on earth, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

If paradise did exist, it would be extremely boring. If everything were done, every problem solved, and everything was perfect, you would hate it. There would be nothing to do. No purpose for life. Worst of all, you probably wouldn’t appreciate how “good” things were for lack of bad things to compare them to.

The very idea of paradise is antithetical to existence. Life without adversity is pointless, and that is why we must face it. It is no wonder religion promises paradise when we are dead. It’s the only state in which it would be bearable.