If everyone is having cake, you deserve some, too.

Because codependents often believe they have no value, they don’t believe they deserve the same comforts as everyone else. Sharing requires self-esteem, and is often hard for codependents to do.

Some codependents even feel they don’t deserve possessions, and the ones they do have are wasted on them. Therefore, codependents are more likely to give away something that they enjoy or need than to enforce the internal boundary of not being overly generous or self-sacrificing.

Let’s say you and someone you care about are suffering an unruly hot day. You decide to spend the day indoors with the windows open and wait for the evening. So you sit on the couch, and they in the recliner, and there is only one fan in the room. The expected decision will be to have the fan oscillate, or move right to left, so you both can enjoy a few repeating seconds of cool air.

Instead, all you can think about is how hot it is when the fan isn’t pointed at you, and how miserable your partner must be during the seconds when you indulge. You imagine how nice it would be to have a consistent stream of air, and so you point the fan at them, lock it into position, and insist that they enjoy it while you sit in a pool of sweat.

This is an example of how the lack of internal boundaries can turn a situation in which sharing is expected into an awkward, unnecessary instance of self-sacrifice. Look for these patterns in yourself.

Do you have a partner who lets you act this way? Why is that?

You are avoiding your cake and the old wound you pretend to forget about. The one where you got left out, taken away, shortchanged, or outright abused.

It isn’t the pain, but the tenderness of it that tears you apart. Compassion for that sweet, happy person you used to be. What more proof do you need that you really love yourself?