Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a true disease of emotion. It eviscerates everyone, especially when feelings are involved. Knowing how to spot it is key to escape and avoidance.
One of the most common traits of narcissism is the need for admiration. It isn’t enough that you thank a narcissist for a favor, you also have to think they are a special person for doing so. This is different from the soft codependent’s need for validation, which simply props them up, rather than the need for divine admiration the narcissist would require.
The word “narcissism” is used to casually describe someone else’s distasteful selfishness or self-absorption. That is not narcissism. Associating narcissism with selfishness is psychologically attractive for codependents because they already believe that selfishness is unacceptable. To be sure, narcissists are overwhelmingly selfish, but the true nature of their character lies in something much more painful.
In relationships, narcissists often require a perfect-looking partner, to be the perfect-looking partner, to have a perfect-looking relationship, and for everyone to follow unusual, perfectionistic, “simple” rules, like not touching their face, keeping their shoes shined, and never discussing their work. When these requirements are not met, you may witness narcissistic rage*.
During a rage, they no longer see you as human. Like all personality disorders, they are so focused on their own pain they can’t see or consider anyone but themselves. They are like a man in shock at the sight of his own broken arm, only the narcissist has a broken spirit. When a narcissist rages, they are blind to everything but their agony.
Narcissists see themselves as terminally wounded, so they employ a veneer of perfectionism as a shield against that wound ever being discovered. They often seek out soft codependent partners for their gullible and easy-to-manipulate nature.
They intentionally dominate their partner by exploiting their emotional pain. They kick the emotional legs out from under them with rebuke and insult, then catch them with a warm smile and a nuclear love-bombing campaign.
If a narcissist’s codependent partner ever began to heal, or become healthy, it would be an existential crisis. The narcissist will react with all the fear of abandonment expected of a personality disorder with eyes that could set the Arctic on fire. Guilty or innocent, they will not stop until you are emotionally gutted.
“You’re going to the gym to avoid time with me.” “You’re dieting to make yourself more attractive to other women.” “The only reason you want to hang out with your friends is because you don’t really love me.” “You enjoy it when I’m miserable.” “The only reason you are in therapy is because you think I’m crazy.” “If you really loved me you would stop punishing me with your gifts.”
If you were to ask yourself the difference between emotional immaturity and narcissism, it might be difficult to clarify an answer. Both are defined by childish selfishness and minimal self-regulation skills. This is true with all personality disorders, but something about the narcissistic manifestation is very pure.
Some integral human quality simply never grew in them. Some know they can’t feel compassion and can discuss it matter-of-factly. If you ask them if they really love you, they may actually be able to tell you “no,” and have no personal connection to why that makes you cry so hard. They never developed empathy, and are a spoiled child in an adult’s body.
When they rage, it is no different from trying to reason with a fussy toddler. Their emotions have taken over and make no sense whatsoever until they have calmed down. They are the unapologetic masters of gaslighting. They can deny reality so well that they believe their own lies the instant they tell them.
Partners of narcissists leave their relationships empathically debilitated. The level of emotional exhaustion experienced by former lovers of narcissists can persist for years. Children of narcissistic parents often grow up to be depressed and have low self-esteem.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, nothing will empower you more than knowledge and community. You are not alone, it wasn’t you, and all of your feelings about it are appropriate.
You can find a welcoming group of Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meeting near you or online and www.adultchildren.com.
You can also take your pick of several books written especially for you, such as Children of the self-absorbed: a grown-up’s guide to getting over narcissistic parents by Nina Brown, or Should I Stay or Should I Go?: surviving a relationship with a narcissist, by Ramani Durvasula.
————Treatment————
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is considered nearly impossible to treat, though that may have something to do with the current dismissal of traditional psychoanalysis for cheaper therapies and the lack of expertise in treating it.
Promising case studies show that object-relations psychoanalysis can reduce narcissistic behavior and improve sociability and self-reflection. However, much like the Borderline, they are more likely to leave a therapist’s office shrieking about how they don’t need therapy than to face their pain and accept that it is real.
How long you put up with it is your choice, but do not expect them to change. Expect that the explanations, promises, excuses, empty apologies, and pain will never end.
*One of the best depictions of narcissistic rage can be found in the classic Mexican movie, Profundo Carmesi (1:33:07).