Love is not transactional.

Transactions are trades based on measurable values. If a box of crackers is worth a dollar, you only get the crackers if you have a dollar to trade for them. If you don’t have one dollar, you won’t get any crackers, because the value of the crackers is definite and non-negotiable. It’s one dollar. A fair transaction for these crackers will require no more or less than exactly one dollar. One dollar, one box of crackers. No dollar, no crackers.

This is terrible logic for approaching relationships.

When we demand that our relationships consist of only equal transactions all the time, they fail to involve healthy emotions of any kind. “I’ll give you everything, and you make me happy,” is a toxic transaction that often characterizes codependent relationships.

Codependents rarely have a sense of their own value, and often feel that they have no value at all. They are unable to accept kindness without being triggered to “keep things even.” An unexpected kindness can be destabilizing. For most people, receiving gifts is a boon to self-esteem, but being able to accept a gift at all requires self-esteem to exist in the first place.

Some codependents become anxious and flustered when they receive something they haven’t earned and will be unable to rest or return to equilibrium until they have committed a compensatory act in return. They believe love between friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and partners, is all transactional.

Codependents often feel bad when people are kind to them for no reason. They believe if the person doing the kindness could see them for what they are, they wouldn’t be doing it. All unrequited acts of love, generosity, and kindness directed toward them are mistakes, and the only way to make it right is to give back at least in equal measure what has been given to them.

Compliments are rejected because they are objectively inaccurate. Sometimes codependents intentionally give up their turn, portion, or opportunity–the same ones being given to everyone else–because they do not see themselves as deserving of equal treatment. This comes from the toxic belief that the codependent has no value. Receiving an act of generosity feels like a saint just gave its robe to a pig, and a kind word in their ear is like a prayer whispered into an empty well.

Out of compassion for the giver, the codependent will stop at nothing to make things right, even, and balanced. But love is never transactional. It has no external value. It is not a resource or a process, and it cannot be monetized. You cannot buy it, sell it, trade it, or exchange it for a better one. It cannot be weighed or measured. Its value is internal and requires no reciprocation.

Codependents may see love as transactional for a variety of reasons, like attachment trauma, sexual trauma, mental illness, physical limitations, parents with personality disorders, or no parents at all.

Start thinking of how you act in the loving relationships in your life, and why you view them the way you do. Are you capable of receiving a random gift without feeling indebted? Can you accept help from a friend without silently promising your loyalty to them and their problems? Can you lay back and enjoy a sexual favor from your intimate partner, the same kind you constantly give them, and actually relax and enjoy it?

There isn’t a healthy person alive who does something nice for someone because they want something in return. Good parents don’t raise their kids to be their caretakers. Teachers don’t give you a star on your paper so you will write the principal advocating for their promotion. Friends don’t invite you to a party so you will go out and buy the most expensive champagne in the county. They just want to be around you.

All of these people extend their hand to you because they like you for who you are. They look at you and see tremendous, irreplaceable value, not because of anything you ever did or could do, but because you are who you are. They love you, and love is not transactional.

You cannot put a value on love, but it’s what codependents do every time they try to pay someone back for being kind to them. It is a compulsion to make things even, correct, or balanced, but all it does is cheapen acts of the heart. Sure, love can seem transactional. “I love you, and you love me.”

But love for others never expects anything in return. If it does, then it’s not love. Is there a price for a friend lifting your spirits after a parent passes away? What is the recompense for a partner throwing you a thoughtful birthday party? There is none. It is not a transaction.

Codependents must be aware of loving relationships in which they are required to engage in transactional behavior. For example, your husband pays all the bills and refuses to clean up after himself. Or your wife cheats because she didn’t get the romantic vacation she was promised after years of empty promises.

Love is the energy of appreciation, but healthy love is the energy of mutual appreciation. Don’t settle for anything less.

If you are not appreciated in your romantic relationship, what is keeping you involved?

If you are not equal in your adult relationships, what are you?

If the love is not equal, what is it?