Codependency has a shadow.

Normally, codependency refers to the soft-footed abuse survivor with an insecure attachment style who can’t be convinced that anything about themselves is redeemable. This is soft codependency, where you find volunteers, nice-guy syndrome, and people who can’t take a compliment.

The shadow of this behavior is the codependent who engages in these behaviors on purpose to gain control over someone or a situation. This is hard codependency, where you will find narcissists, borderline personality disorders, and psychopaths.

Even though hard and soft codependency have completely different motives, the expressions of the behaviors in this section are identical. The emotions behind them are often identical, too. Both fear abandonment to their core. Both have a void they are privately desperate to fill. The only point on which they are opposites is the belief in their own importance.

Soft codependents believe they are the least important person in the universe. They control relationships through gratitude because they fear never finding another one.

Hard codependents believe they are the most important person in the universe. They control relationships through fear because they have no gratitude.

Ironically, curing codependency requires someone to cultivate the belief that they are the most important person in their universe, and that this is enough. Both need to adjust their levels of self-importance, learn that gratitude is an inside job, and that everyone has, or should have, meaningful boundaries.

This blog is to, for, and in support of the soft codependent, but it is imperative that we take a critical look at the true motives behind our “kindness.” How do we react when people-pleasing doesn’t result in freedom from self-criticism, loneliness, lack of purpose, and need for approval?