Did you know that nobody used to care about genital herpes? Really. It was like acne, rosacea, a urinary tract infection, dysentery, or hemorrhoids; not things people typically celebrate, but a normal part of human life.

There are very few people who would consider suicide because they got a hemorrhoid. Acne flare-ups are a real drag on picture day, but otherwise not an emotionally crippling issue for most people. So why are people so horrified and devastated by herpes? Because someone told them to be.

That someone was a pharmaceutical company called “Burroughs Wellcome Co.” In the 1970s, it created a treatment for herpes sores that nobody wanted. There was no market for it because nobody cared.

Even after the invention of tests to determine the difference between Herpes Simplex Virus 1 (usually oral) and 2 (usually genital) in the 1960s, most people had never heard of herpes before Burroughs Wellcome Co. began spreading the word a decade later.

They implemented an advertising campaign whose only goal was to invent a new social shame for which their product was the cure. (In recently developed countries across the world, some educated people still have hardly heard of herpes.)

An advertising campaign from 50 years ago that cost a few million dollars is the reason many people are terrified, devastated, or disgusted by herpes. That crazy social experiment is the reason that researching herpes mostly discovers links for social support, the “seriousness” of the situation, and “facts” that do nothing but contribute to the horror of having or getting it.

The only consistent facts are that it is a mostly benign virus, relatively cheap to manage, and the Centers for Disease Control doesn’t test for it because they do not consider it an important health issue. Breakouts don’t last very long, and some people never have a second one. But the reason it can make some people suicidal is because it threatens their sexuality–the primary means of modern abandonment prevention.

We live in a time of unique sexual hysteria. Sexual experiences are pathologically overvalued, and sex itself is used as a pawn for every political actor who declares when, how, and between whom it should transpire. Considering the timeline of abstract language, it should be noted that talking about sex is extremely new compared to the amount of time we have been doing it, and yet the signs of our sensual clumsiness are everywhere.

Hard-right wisdom declares sex to be a dangerous matter and should only be carried out in an attempt to procreate. Hard-left wisdom declares sex to be a dangerous matter and should only be carried out after a deep, cerebral analysis of ever-evolving definitions of power and consent.

Only one thing is certain. Unless you are of a rare temperament, born with a natural sense of contentment and reserve, are old, or are married, you probably feel major social pressure to regularly indulge in sex. But not just any sex; the kind that is combined with love.

The modern sexual ideal turns the act into the most important feat in life. It protects people from their deepest existential fears. After all, having a stable partner with whom you share a long-lasting, committed relationship is a better guarantee of happiness and longevity than anything the best available health insurance can provide.

The fleeting forces of youth and energy give having sex now an extra sense of urgency. Because tomorrow might come, but not you. Nights for single codependents swirl with thoughts of the perfect partner, hoping that it won’t be too late when they meet. In the meantime, they are inundated with attractive couples in the media and real life, all exposing incredible images of happiness. They fear missing out, dying alone, wasting their youth, having low status, being unattractive, or unlovable, and missing out on the “best” part of life.

All this is fear of loneliness and low self-esteem, but doesn’t it also mirror what a person goes through when they are diagnosed with herpes? Yet the only reason either of them suffers is because someone told them to.

Your culture, and the prevailing forces within it, be they religious, corporate, or revolutionary, can manufacture your desires and put “directive force” behind them. The modern entertainment and advertising complex is particularly adamant about sexuality being the most important measure of success and is the same force that keeps humanity an alcohol-consuming cult.

If you want to dive deep into how sexual ideals have changed over time and across cultures, check out Sexual Personae by Camille Paglia. Did you know that women of Ancient Greece preferred smaller penises? Large ones were considered vulgar and were only represented in art to designate something as crude or undesirable.

In America in the 1920s, small breasts were the hottest item a woman could have. Those with big ones often taped them down to avoid sending potential lovers running from sight. It is not beyond the imagination to think that a woman at that time would have much preferred genital herpes over their unfortunate, voluptuous breasts. Certainly, a man of Ancient Greece, who knew of herpes but not the fear of it, would have preferred an occasional outbreak over his unsightly, giant penis.

Loneliness is another scourge of the modern era that compounds the value of sex and all the emotional vulnerability accompanying its acquisition. Loneliness was an epidemic 20 years before COVID-19 and remains a risk factor for increased mortality that doubles your chances of developing Alzheimer’s disease. It also contributes to depression, anxiety, paranoia, and suicidal ideation.

These challenges are real for everyone. The fear of disease, of offense, of God, of loneliness, of missing out, and of being shamed, combined with the pressure to have a desirable sexual partner, with whom you will be happier and healthier, make it no surprise that people have strong emotions about the role of sex in their lives, and even stronger emotions about its absence.

People are traumatized by sex before they ever have it, and the government, religious institutions, corporate advertising, and political forces have all played an active role in inflicting it. Add the very real, very common, and very painful fallout of predatory sexual trauma, and you end up with the paranoid, Draconian litigious disaster that defines modern attitudes toward sex.

This is all on the mind of the promiscuous codependent, and nothing frees them from these fears, pressures, and discomforts more easily than sexual contact. Nothing repairs a normal person’s self-esteem faster and more completely than being desired. For the promiscuous codependent, it’s at least 100 times more powerful.

This has a huge overlap with Histrionic Personality Disorder, which is expounded upon in Crack Your Codependency. For now, know that histrionicity is what you call it when someone dresses in overly revealing clothing and flirts with everyone they see.

In addition to calming fears, sex also fills the codependent with a sense of security, which is an effect of relationships being their only survival strategy. “They complete me” is their perfectionistic thought, which, even when mutual in a relationship, is a recipe for total disaster.

The codependent simultaneously desires the mature, lasting love of a mature life partner and the soothing experience of “wholeness” that often accompanies sexual contact. A sincere desire to find a legitimate soulmate while frantically swiping right on dating apps is a common thing.

When an individual endures a length of time without human touch, it can create “a condition known as touch starvation.” The use of the word “starvation” is not accidental, and it is how most traumatized or codependent people would describe themselves emotionally.

Once it has crept in, you feel it all the time. Promiscuity, serial monogamy, and the need for a relationship will consume the promiscuous codependent’s emotional life. This manifests in myriad ways, like downloading Tinder, using pornography, going to bars, hiring prostitutes, and generally lowering the standards of who you are willing to date, sleep with, or become involved with in a relationship.

All fantasies take place inside a vacuum. Loneliness is one of the primary contributors to the breadth and depth of fantasy because it is an emotional vacuum. Abandonment wounds and attachment hunger are the only forces that remain, and they constantly provoke the mind into fantasy.

Codependents are the first ones to jump in excitement at a new relationship, and they often seek permanence and early commitment because they are overwhelmed with “falling in love” (fantasy), even though they are desperate to reclaim the feeling of calm and safety that they have lived for so long without (reality).

Before long, the codependent will experience the same dysfunction in the new relationship as they did in the previous one. It ends, the heartache returns, and their grief hijacks all of their social interactions.

Then the next infatuation arrives. If a loved one picks up on the pattern and sees how toxic it is, there isn’t much they can do or say. Have you ever told a smoker to quit the habit because it’s bad for them? Did it work? You cannot appeal to logic when reactions and emotions are possessing someone you love.

“You cannot get enough of what doesn’t satisfy you.” These words of wisdom come from George Collins, who recovered from promiscuous codependency, wrote Breaking the Cycle, and started a practice to help others do the same. No other words could describe the trap better. The promiscuous codependent has no emotional grounding without an active, attractive, accessible sexual relationship. You can’t get enough, and it never satisfies.

Is promiscuity bad? No, but it is not optimal, and it should therefore not complacently be accepted as the status quo. It does not nurture human bonding, which is what sex and arousal are designed to do.

Even though polyamory is in vogue, as America continues shedding its century-old fetish with a sexless, sterile society, there is plenty of science pointing to monogamy being natural human behavior.

Secondly, promiscuity can unleash jealousy and social problems that stable sexual relationships do not. There is no question that children feel safer and have better life outcomes in environments with consistent relationships based on values than in wild ones based on passion.

Finally, promiscuity is dangerous to your sexual partner because you have no idea whether you are contributing to their dysfunction. You may be part of their unhealthy denial about being molested as a kid, abused by an ex, or abandoned by a parent.

What they need is therapy and self-affirmation; two things you cannot provide. You might be damaging them and not even know it. Yes, everyone has free will, but if it is within your power not to contribute to someone else prolonging their pain, then it is your responsibility to abstain.

On the other side, if you are codependent, promiscuity can open you up to being targeted by someone who can see you coming a mile away, get what they want, and leave you shattered. They know what your dysfunction is, they know exactly how to exploit it, and they do not care about you.

Last but not least, a word about Jonathan Marsh. His life is a clear example of how child sexual abuse can turn into adult promiscuous codependency. In his book He Danced Alone, Jon details the environment of unbelievable child abuse, the slow progression to love-object fixation, sexual compulsions, love addiction, codependent promiscuity, total submersion into a world of fantasy, a suicide attempt, an outstanding recovery, and the subsequent success stories of thousands of people just like him who he coached through rehabilitation.

Unwilling to accept the limitations of 12-step recovery, he created his own recovery program that you can access for free at www.recoverynation.com. While the material is written for people suffering from a variety of sex, pornography, and love addictions, you can easily apply the material to whatever compulsion or addiction you are having difficulty mastering. It is free, comprehensive, and will open your world to the smaller, faceless forces driving your reactions beyond your will, like your needs for suspense, risk, anonymity, power, and acceptance. If the 12-steps didn’t work for you, his website is a goldmine. Rest in peace, Jon.

————Reality Check————

Promiscuity naturally inclines to superficial relationships. Willful ignorance about a person is the only backdrop upon which you can project your fantasies of perfection. The intensity of the imagination will always be more stimulating than reality.

It is as addictive as any drug, only more dangerous because the drug exists inside the codependent’s mind. All they need to activate it is another promiscuous person with whom they have sexual chemistry, or imagine that they do, and the less they know about the other person, the better.

Any knowledge that isn’t carnal is poison to the fantasy, and the combination of necessary ignorance and rewarding compulsions can unravel a person as completely as a terminal illness.