Boundaries are how you protect your right to be treated like a human being.
Build them up by first writing them down:
WRITE IT
Write down what the behavior is, why you feel it is inappropriate, and how it makes you feel. Use lots of detail and record every emotion. Describe what you would prefer to see happen, and sleep on it.
You just journaled some really important information. You took it from your brain, put it on paper, and worked some of it out. After you sleep, all of that will have been yesterday, and you can see what you wrote with fresh eyes. Your emotional response to the material may have shifted. Maybe it is the same. Either way, you are giving yourself a second opinion.
If you decide that this boundary needs to become law, then rewrite your experience in the least emotional way. Just the simple facts. Take care to use “I statements” so that you own what you are trying to say, rather than passing blame. For example, “I feel disrespected when you say that” is much easier to hear than, “You always disrespect me.”
The condition of value here is ownership, and you are setting the example for how interactions in that relationship will proceed in the future. If the recipient is in any way codependent on you, they aren’t going to like it. Otherwise, there is no healthy adult on this planet who would have a strong emotional reaction to this kind of respectful, assertive communication.
After you have written it in the least emotional way, and presented your case with “I statements”, make sure the part where you discuss how to move forward includes your honest compassion for the other person. “I want you to know that I love you, and that I know you love me, but I would really enjoy our time together more if X were to happen/not happen. It makes me feel X, and I am sure that’s not what you are trying to do.”
If necessary, include a consequence for boundary violations. If you are going to break up with someone if they cheat on you again, communicate that. If cutting contact to a minimum if someone doesn’t stop raging at you works better, communicate that.
Consequences can sometimes become control strategies, which is not the point, nor a healthy behavior. You may be accused of trying to control someone, or “having everything your way.” So search your heart, make sure this is not the case, and proceed.
READ IT
Read it all out loud to yourself several times. Listen to the emotion in your voice. If you get wound up, refer yourself to a worksheet and deconstruct whatever is going on inside. When you can approach your journal with calm, do so, and read it out loud until it starts to sound authentic.
Read it in the calmest way you can, and remember that you are doing this to preserve a relationship that matters to you. If you didn’t care about them, you would never have bothered considering boundaries. So make sure there is some love in your voice, and plan to speak to that person’s heart.
SPEAK IT
The air of the intervention does not have to be serious. Maybe you can invite them out to a place you both enjoy, or a new one that you want to try. Have an activity like lunch, golf, or weightlifting to keep things from escalating, and do your best.
In the future, the instant someone crosses a boundary that is not negotiable, you will be able to tell them so with a laugh and continue with your relationship or purposeful task. Whether or not it becomes a big deal is up to their ability to respect your boundaries.
You have faced every demon you have to get to this point, and it can feel like you are staring down a dragon. Breathe deep, be cautiously transparent, open your mouth, and let those words you practiced do their magic. It may be an out-of-body experience, but that’s because you don’t recognize the calm, mature strength coming out of you. Who is doing this? It’s the new you.
DO IT
Once you lay down the law, you have to follow it. You are the only enforcer of your own boundaries. You cannot take a day off, or allow personal misdemeanors to go unanswered. If the communication of your boundary included a consequence, you absolutely, positively must follow through.
This is a critical moment for relapse into old patterns of people-pleasing, codependent relationships, or otherwise training people to take you for granted. If you say “no,” but don’t back it up with action, you will have to say it twice as loud the next time.
This is one of the greatest kindnesses you could ever do for yourself. So continue to be kind to yourself and to the people with whom you need healthier boundaries. If you are going to hire a therapist or coach, this may be the most critical time.