Waiting before physical intimacy is the best form of protection.
Have you ever met someone who quickly told you really dramatic details about their life? Did they look at you unblinkingly, eyes full of horror, pleading, or promise? Did they sheepishly accuse you of thinking they were stupid or crazy?
That person is attachment-hungry. They can be overwhelmed by “one and only” thinking in a matter of hours, and are dangerous for you. If this describes you, then you are dangerous to yourself.
If they need you to hear the testimony of their life’s bitter unfairness, then they are speaking from a place of loneliness and trauma. Beware if they seem like the perfect match because you are seconds away from using again.
If you find yourself throwing the flirtation into overdrive, or responding to someone else who is, try asking yourself in the moment: What is driving me now? What part of me am I nurturing with this behavior?
They probably saw your good nature before you ever said a word, and they may believe you are the next one who keeps their issues from causing them to hit rock bottom again. That person is emotionally promiscuous, and they want to know if you are, too. Research shows that couples who wait six months before having sex report happier and more satisfying relationships.
Here is a suggestion. Before you go on a date, decide beforehand whether you are ready to have sex with that person. If you feel any hesitation at all, that’s a good reason to wait. If you feel overeager, that’s an even better reason to wait. This is a great way to employ temperance in your life and prevent passion from taking over. If conscious loving is interesting to you, this is where it starts.
Once you have slept with someone, you won’t be able to see them again for about three months. Oh, sure, you will know it’s them when they meet you for dinner, kiss you, and hold you all night. But you won’t know if they are telling you the truth, providing a healthy amount of reciprocity, or delivering subtle signs they may not be right for you.
Your hormones are programmed to produce a child, and seeing your sexual partner as perfect during this time is so common it’s cliché (and gross to watch). Your new rule is to choose intention over impulse and temperance over passion. It can save you from a world of pain.
Remember to date with your eyes and not your ears. If someone’s actions don’t match their words, don’t let what they say erase this fact from your mind. If you ask about why their behavior doesn’t make any sense, and their response is to kiss you or invite you to drink, you have found yourself in the lap of a sweetly singing siren. But you will avoid the shipwreck this time.
You are no longer ruled by your passions. Because of your hard work, honesty, and dedication to yourself, you have an allergy to your extreme emotions, whether they are fear, joy, or romance. You are no longer hijacked by them. You can ride them if you choose, but they are finished riding you.
The end of an awesome first date may go like this:
“Do you want to come to my place?”
“Yes, but it will have to be some other time.”
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m interested in building something long-term with someone, so there is no need to rush.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“If you need to date someone else, that’s fine. But I’m in a great place in my life, and I’m looking for someone else who is, too.”
“You can be in a great place in your life and still have sex when you want to.”
“That’s true! But the people I bring into my life are going to support my choices. I have my reasons, and all of them are healthy.”
This is the surest way to find someone who doesn’t need you, and that is exactly what you want.