Selflessness is concerned with the common codependent preoccupation of how to be a good person. For them, selflessness is the ultimate virtue.
They learned at a young age that doing for others is superior to doing for themselves. Believing this, they only permit themselves to act selflessly. Selfless behavior is morally superior, righteous, and good. Selfish behavior, on the other hand, is the highest moral crime- an inferior act that confirms their inferiority.
If selflessness is the highest virtue, then any selfishness, no matter how small, is an unacceptable character flaw. As children, or in adult romances, codependents conform themselves to the moods, preferences, mental illness, and abusive behavior of another person.
Maybe they were required to be the confident, mentor, or friend of a distressed parent. Maybe they suppressed all joyful expression because their happiness provoked the rage of a miserable adult who had power over them. To be called “selfish” after so much self-sacrifice guts them of any positive self-regard and right to their preferences, emotions, and sense of value.
The goal of being truly selfless is not unique to codependents. Living in service of others is one of the most powerful messages from religion, politics, charity, military recruiting, scouts, and compassionate parents. It is a necessary message in a world where we often neglect our neighbors for personal advancement, and where billions live in poverty while billionaires live wherever they want.
We need nurses, firefighters, and teachers to put aside their druthers and perform their duties, or society will immediately split at the seams. These are our heroes, and we regard them as such to inspire the next generation to put aside their material fantasies and find meaning in altruism. The more years they work, the more selfless they are, the greater their heroic status and social value.
But selflessness can be an unhealthy obsession, a deep competition within one’s self to become not just a good person, but the best person, totally purged of any selfish desire or act. A real hero.
For the altruistic codependent, selflessness becomes their sole source of self-esteem. Logically, it makes perfect sense. But perfection is an impossible ideal, the result of which is always a crushed spirit riddled with depression, anxiety, and probably a lot of anger.
————Reality Check————
A selfless person does not and cannot exist. This has been debated for centuries by Buddhists, Aristotle, Kant, and Nietzsche, to name a few, and the conclusion remains that if a selfless act is possible, it is extremely rare.
But a selfless person? Absolutely impossible. If you desire selflessness, and you fulfill this desire with action, the act of fulfilling it is a selfish one. It is absurd.
The word “selfless” in its literal meaning is also absurd. A self is you. You are your Self. Oxford Languages, part of Oxford University, defines “self” as “a person’s essential being.” This cannot be taken away. It gives a unique individual their identity, worth, ego, and body. A self also cannot be taken out of decision-making because the self is where the decision comes from. If a person achieved pure selflessness, they would die.
When you eat food, you are nourishing yourself. It is a selfish thing a hungry person must do. The same goes for drinking water. You drink it for yourself. You get up and work your job so you can have money to eat food and drink water. You work to provide for yourself.
Selflessness requires you to reject everything for someone who “needs it more” and die. If you wish to live, you have no choice but to accept selfishness as a healthy part of your emotional diet. Selflessness can be toxic, and for codependents, it is emotional suicide.
If you are reading this, then it is guaranteed that you have not decided to kill yourself. This was and will forever remain the right choice. You accepted that you: deserve to breathe oxygen, eat food, drink water, and have safety. You are, therefore, not totally selfless. You can’t be, so stop trying.
Selflessness is not a virtue, anyway. It is antithetical to existence. Buddhism would agree. It believes no-self to be the purest form of reality. Achieving it is how to transcend existence and break the cycle of rebirth—when you literally cease to exist.
Judaeo-Christian religions support the same idea, only it is packaged by replacing the self with faith in God, God’s plan, or any preferred part of the Holy Trinity. Monks of every persuasion replace their selves with monastic discipline and religious routine, and then preach or write books about a better world with more selfless people in it. No guilt implied, I’m sure.
But monks routinely receive more in donations than they give away because monks need to eat, drink water, and care for themselves. If a monk deserves to nurture their being with healthy selfishness, so do you.
If selfishness isn’t your word, use “positive self-regard,” “self-compassion,” “self-care,” or “healthy narcissism,” because they all mean the same thing. Selflessness for selflessness’s sake can never be anything more than a cover for insecurity.
You are selfish enough to believe that you deserve life, now you need to extend that truth to other domains. You not only deserve life, but health, healthy boundaries, purposeful tasks, and supportive relationships. A healthy ego maintains control over these priorities without exerting power over anyone else, and it’s not always easy.
If the self you have now is insecure, codependent, or a doormat, and you wish to replace it, then go ahead. Put in its place a routine that prioritizes your physical and mental health, enforces boundaries, and never sacrifices the essentials of self-care.